Triggering a dose of the clap.

Today something called the National Union of Students Women's Conference happened in London. A normal type of event, nothing to write home about you would think. But something happened that I'm not sure a word has been invented yet to describe how unbelievable it was.

Well actually a lot of things happened but at the minute it is too difficult to decipher between what is real and what is being made up, but the thing that started it all was a request from someone attending the event that there be no clapping as the noise from people applauding caused some people to have an anxiety attack.

And it was agreed that no one would clap.

This raises so many questions that we would probably need to ask God for extra question marks but let's firstly ask ourselves a simple one... Can someone have an anxiety attack from other people clapping?

The simple and honest answer is... Yes.

But let's ask a second question... Should a crowd of people attending a conference not clap because one person (or indeed several people) might have an anxiety attack from it... ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT.

Now at this moment there might be someone reading this who has gone into such fits of rage that even the Hulk might think about heading off for a coffee until they calm down, claiming something like "what do you know about anxiety attacks, you have no feelings for the poor person who would be suffering".

Well here's the thing: this Friday I will hopefully be discharged from a psychiatric hospital after a 7 week stay. Why have I been in here? Yep, you guessed it.... I suffer from an anxiety disorder. (Also depression but that can take a back seat here).

So I am well qualified to talk about triggers, stress, anxiety attacks and whatever other keywords the nice little student snowflakes have learned. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that none of the people at the conference have actually studied psychiatry or psychology beyond a year of college if that and their only knowledge of anxiety attacks comes from some bullshit they've heard from God knows where.

Meanwhile I've spent over a decade in therapy, a stay in hospital and more hours than I could count reading and studying everything I can to try to find out more about my illness and hopefully beat it or at least enable me to have a quality of life worth living.

So here's what I would say if I had been the conference organiser today and someone had have came to me and asked that clapping be banned as it triggered their anxiety... "No."

I wouldn't be so blunt with them and if I honestly believed they had a real diagnosed (by an actual medical professional, not your auntie who's a Wiccan counsellor) disorder then I would sit and talk with them about it and explain that by granting their wishes I would actually be harming them. They would continue to see themselves as a victim where others must do their bidding because they are a victim and in the long run that will not happen so they will more than likely end up suffering from depression. (Again, actual depression, not the self-diagnosed I'm feeling a bit down stuff that so many come up with today. Actual depression has some actual symptoms which if they are not there then you aren't depressed in the medical sense.)

I would tell them what they need to do is either remove themselves from the place causing them anxiety until they feel they can handle it but what would probably be best for them would be to see if they could face their fear today and if they needed help doing that I'd be happy to try.

Here's the difference - I would be showing that person empathy. Those who would order everyone to stop clapping and say "ooh poor you" would be showing the person sympathy. One is helpful, the other is a horrid, sanctimonious way of harming the person suffering.

Anyone who is suffering from mental illness does not need your sympathy. You can fuck right off with it, we need empathy. If you don't want to be empathetic then just go away.

So if there actually was a person today at that conference (I'm still having trouble believing it all happened) who was suffering from anxiety due to clapping then please do not think that by the organiser banning applause that this has helped you. It has not, it has harmed you and you really need professional help to see why.

Now just in case there are the usual claims of "Oh you don't know what you're talking about, you don't have what they have" here's a very small example of what I have to go through. (A big example would be of how I think my son is dying every 5 mins but that's for another time).

I am actually "triggered" (that's a ridiculous word that's been rendered totally useless by idiot social justice warriors but I'll use it here as it's what they said today) by singing. Yes, you read that right - singing. Because of a long history of abuse, which we don't need to get into, people sitting around and having a "singsong" makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

Now this being Ireland in the hospital here there's a common area and a few nights some people will start singing. I get very uncomfortable and agitated and the people who sing mostly know how this makes me feel. But do you know what happens? I simply get up and walk away and busy myself doing something else.

That's right, in a psychiatric hospital when a person is actually "triggered" there is no thought of banning whatever is the cause. Because it wouldn't help me. And it would obviously also be hugely selfish of me to expect others to do what I wanted.

At some stage I might be able to sit with others singing and not feel uncomfortable (that's the plan) but not at the minute. So I simply remove it from the equation, it's very simple.

Now if you actually have a mental health issue please don't hesitate to get in touch with me if you want to talk. If you think that people should stop clapping because someone is triggered please just fuck off.

Al Murray, The Pub Landlord - a review.

No one wants to be bald. You're made fun of regularly and there's even research that shows bald people are discriminated against when it comes to employment. So for those of us that are the thought of a man deliberately shaving his head to appear bald makes us fear that he must be some sort of super-villain as only a deranged megalomaniac could possibly want to appear bald when they are not.

Yet this is what Al Murray has been doing for over a decade now and rather than attempt world domination he simply wants to appear bald for his alter-ego character of the Pub Landlord. And thankfully rather than being deranged he is instead extremely funny, very likable and seemingly, despite his huge success, a very down-to-earth individual.

I last saw Murray in Vicar St over 10 years ago and unfortunately due to circumstances beyond my control I had to leave before the end of the show. Back then the Pub Landlord screamed across the stage for his entrance on a specially constructed drive-able bar, throwing lettuce and booze over the front few rows.

This time the entrance was much more sedate, with his helper "Igor" simply leaving a pint of lager on a single table with the Pub Landlord meandering his way on stage a few minutes later. Murray doesn't use a warm-up act, an act in itself which is seldom seen with top name comedians these days, but he does not suffer from not having one. The ease with which he immediately engrosses his audience is masterful, even with a character that most will have seen before and whose act has not changed to any great extent since its inception 20 years ago.

This iteration of the Pub Landlord seems to be toned down from previous outings, with the earlier theatrics that I mentioned missing and less of the bounding around stage we saw previously. Perhaps it's just because Murray is now approaching 50, and that can be excused but the act in no way suffers from the lower levels of energy that it previously had. In fact now that the Landlord seems to have mellowed slightly it enables Murray to use the character to delve deeper into the everyday things that frustrate him and provide a more detailed satirical look at them and his act is all the better for this.

Murray's greatest assets are his memory and intelligence. He effortlessly memorises at least 10 audience member names and will call on them at any time throughout his act. Of course he will pick someone young, someone old etc. to incorporate that into his comedy but the feat of remembering all these people's names while performing your act (and having a few pints at the same time) is unique in today's comedy world and Murray deserves special praise for it.

While he may play a character whose intelligence is somewhat suspect, which of course is the point, Murray's can only be described as encyclopedic, especially when it comes to World War 2. He makes great use of this intelligence in his act but never once comes across patronising or sanctimonious and he can go on a thunderous monologue about extremely detailed geopolitics and military issues, which if most of the audience read outside of the show would leave them asleep instead here has them in raptures as the energy and comic timing with which Murray delivers it is superb.

Murray hasn't fallen into the trap of angry old man as have, unfortunately, many of his peers and he doesn't only go down one road when mocking any issue, be it politics or anything else, everything is up for discussion. For this he should be commended as it is something seldom seen in comedy these days.

We are continually subjected to horrendously dire comedy on TV these days, be it Michael McIntyre telling us that he's very smart and has funny hair so we should laugh, or the awful Dara O'Briain wallowing in his own sanctimony and helpfully providing pauses which I am not sure whether he wants us to laugh during or instead tell him how magnificent he is. Al Murray isn't on TV as much as he used to be but thankfully this means he continues to tour and we are all the better for that. You should go and see his show if you get the chance, he truly is a masterful comedian and in my view one of the best working today.