If you gave me a choice between attending a music concert in a state-of-the-art venue with tickets to a private box including free food & drink or going to a grubby comedy club next door where there's holes in the seats and you are overcharged for whichever one of the two types of alcohol on offer you choose, then there is no choice. The comedy club would win every time.
The comedians may be crap and the clientele a bit smelly but you will at least get one thing at some stage during the night that will make you think. I don't get that from music, never have. The only thing that music has ever made me think is "how does this cunt keep getting away with it?" when I remember Bono exists.
But I can't laugh any more. I could listen to one of the few comedic geniuses we have left and while I might crack a smile or even snigger it will be gone within seconds. Laughter means happiness and depression doesn't do happiness. Before the thought may have been one of dissecting the joke and mentally congratulating the comic now there is only "why didn't you think of that you useless cunt".
There are so many shit comics around these days, peddling either political bullshit masquerading as comedy, falling over while wearing funny clothes or just trying to say the most outrageous thing possible without giving regard to it actually being funny that now should be a time where, contrary to popular belief, it is not horrendously difficult to break through. There are people out there desperate for real comedy.
And then of course there's the point that you should be doing it for yourself, if you find it funny then other people will, you aren't unique in that regard after all. But none of that makes any difference, in my head I am useless and there's no point in doing anything for myself because I have absolutely no self-worth.
I know somewhere deep down inside me there is the capability to be funny. Sometime it creeps out but the problem is that it needs to be nurtured, molded and trained into something that can work. The depression keeps it buried. In fact it doesn't just bury it, it comes along with a big shovel and smacks it around the head first just to make sure it doesn't get any more ideas.
Here's how it goes and I imagine this is probably the same for anyone with depression for whatever true career that they would like to have...
Think or say something funny.......... no that's not funny you useless cunt, that first line was appalling, people will fucking laugh at you all right but because you're a stupid cunt. Anyone who told you that was funny is just saying it to try and make you feel better because they know you're a stupid depressed asshole. You're not funny, if you were you'd have done something with it by now. You're almost 40 you fucking twat, people don't start being funny at your age asshole.
I could go on but the tears are coming. It's sickening. It's depressing. It's every fucking day.
About ten years ago I had a problem. A relation of mine whose company I found quite tedious died and left me €50,000. We'd had lots of disagreements when I should have kept my mouth shut as she was elderly and lonely. I did ring her every day to make sure she was ok and saw her every week but felt guilty I had not done more and that she had left me money. After about six months I went for CBT (don't know if you've ever tried it) and needed just four sessions. Found it fantastic. So now I try to live in the present moment and forget what happened in the past and not worry about the future.
ReplyDeleteOddly enough this is at odds with being a member of a political party which always seems to be about the future but I just laugh at party members now who try and predict what seats we will lose in 2016! Anything can happen in the meantime. Look how close Sean Gallagher came to being President. Was it Churchill who said events dear boy events. We have to accept that we are not in control.
You are almost 40. In ten years time 40 will seem a fantastic age. I am 20 years older although I still think I am only 25. And guess what, you are very funny. Ok sometimes I take you seriously when you are joking but that is my fault. If you need any proof of this look at how many followers you have. I read Twitter mostly for enjoyment and unfollow anybody I find boring, including most of Labour Party members . I don't want to know what meetings they are going to etc. love all the soccer and rugby banter. Love political banter too although there is not too much of that. One thing I have to say about Fianna Fáil, and I know all their faults, they were great fun to be in Government with. Think Dick Spring had a crisis every day. They were not high and mighty like Fine Gael.Bet you are surprised to hear me say that. Hate the Shinners.
Hope you have a great birthday Gareth. Look at the time. Think a person of my age would be in bed saying their prayers.
Best of Luck
Ann
Btw Newtownbarry is the British name for Bunclody! Keep tweeting