So you think you've got a handle on mental health?

Think you can handle mental health issues? No, I mean actual mental health issues. Not just the feeling down all the time, not just the wondering is anything ever going to change. The real stuff. The ugliness that perpetuates those feelings. The truth.

Well here then, read on. But be warned.... it's about to get fucking ugly.

I was just in the shower. Whether there was an actual sound or not I don't know, but my brain told me there was one. Couldn't concentrate on it but it sounded vaguely like a child scream. My 3yo son was in the living room watching television, less than 20ft away. That was it. That was enough. The vision came.

I saw him lying on the floor. His head was split open. Blood was everywhere. So were his brains. He had fallen and hit his head on the floor. I saw myself come in. Now I was screaming. A blood curdling scream. Life was over. I couldn't go on. In my head I was going to kill myself. But wait, what about my wife, I had to tell her, I couldn't kill myself straight away, I had to wait. I saw her scream. The same noise. Beyond loud.

All of that happened within a space of about 3 seconds. While I was in the shower. All in my head. Because of a sound that probably didn't even occur.

This is mental health issues. This happens four or five times a day sometimes. Four or five times an hour other days. It happens when I sleep. It never really stops.

What are you meant to do? Can you just stop? No. Do I want to ever experience a thought in my head again where I see my son like that. Something I can barely even write down it causes so much pain? Of course I fucking don't. But I know I will and I don't know when it will stop. If it ever will. This is depression. This is helplessness. This is life.

Now I'll go to the shop with my son and buy him an ice cream when I stop crying. The woman in the shop will see the same smiling guy she sees every day and say "Hi". Little does she know. Little do any of you know.

Sometimes it makes me angry. Wouldn't you be angry? Of course I'm fucking angry that I have to live this way. The anger of course is really with others. The ones who caused this. The ones who treated me so badly as a child. But it's not easy to figure that out on your own when your head is full of such complete and utter bullshit. Therapy helps but no one can have their therapist around 24 hours a day. So if I'm angry cut me some fucking slack. Don't pity me. Just understand.

I'm trying to press the "publish" button for this. I can barely see it through the tears.

I am afraid.

I am always afraid.