Eurovisionary...

There are many things that can go wrong when visiting in-laws. Alcohol can make you say things, or grab things, that you shouldn't. But these are easily forgotten about when everyone buries their heads in the sand the next morning.

There is one problem, however, that can leave a sour taste in the mouth for weeks afterwards. (No, not that!).

What if you are in someone else's house and they decide to put something rubbish on the telly and make you watch it? And worse still, what if this happens on Eurovision Song Contest night.

Surely no jury of sane and sensible peers would convict you of the bloodbath that would result.

Well this was what happened to me over the weekend. After spending several hours in the pub we retired to the house where sister-in-law decided that the Eurovision must be watched.

Maybe it was the fact that I could hardly move due to a slipped disc but I decided not to go on an immediate murderous rampage and see what the hell made 150 million people watch it.

And maybe it was the booze opening my mind but I discovered something truly wonderful:

THE EUROVISION IS A WORK OF GENIUS!

Wait, wait, don't go calling the men in the white coats for me just yet. Let me make it a bit clearer:

THE EUROVISION IS THE WORK OF AN EVIL COMEDY GENIUS!

Here's the thing; the sensible among us watch it and normally throw things at the tv, cursing at whoever is in earshot at how such rubbish can be allowed.

But we are watching it from entirely the wrong perspective. We are watching it thinking that this is a song contest, or even just a light entertainment television show.

It isn't!

Somewhere an evil genius is sitting watching his masterpiece and laughing his bo**ocks off. This is beyond genius. From the first second to the last it is a non-stop tirade of mirth-making. It NEVER stops, there is joke after joke after joke.

Think Brass Eye on crack.

Honestly I don't know where to start. There are too many hilarious moments to list and every time I think of them it stars me rolling around the floor.

There's the ridiculous costumes, but that's too easy. There's the horrendous music, but that's easy too. It's the subtle things that are genius.

Mr. Euroevil (as he will now be known) actually gets 30 odd morons by satellite link to basically count from 1 to 12 (he even leaves out 9 and 11 in case it's too difficult) and do you know what; EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM makes a balls of it.

It's unbelievable. The sheer genius of a man who can make representatives from over 30 countries look like retarded staple guns must not be taken lightly. Some of them can't read, some can't speak (even in their own language). We had one wannabe even sing the scores and to top it all off Mr. Euroevil even brought in a ringer to give the Greek results in the style of one of the financial administrators who is running their country at the minute.

He got over 100,000 people all around Europe to stand in town centres doing some ridiculous dance and he had a camera in "a typical home" of each country. Clearly this was a huge studio with actors playing on all the stereotypes!

Then there's the accusations of rigged voting. "Ach those Eastern Euro's always vote for eachother" is thrown about by almost everyone. What does Mr. Euroevil do? He makes them do it, and no one notices that Bosnia gives Serbia 12 points. THESE PEOPLE F*CKING HATE EACHOTHER but yet Mr. Euroevil has everyone believing they are tactically voting for the other to win.

And to top it all off the eventual winner of a SONG CONTEST is a Lily Allen clone. What else could the man do but make the winner someone who can't sing.

Somewhere, probably in a castle in the Alps, a genius is today celebrating in his comedy masterpiece while those of us who, thanks to booze and pain, were able to get in on the joke will wait impatiently for next years instalment.

Mr. Euroevil - I salute you!!

Which goat will escape?

So the time is nearly upon us. The only rightful team sporting event that can be called a World Cup is about to start. I'm sorry but rugby and cricket don't count. Firstly they aren't real sports and secondly a World Cup has to include more countries than those that were originally outposts for a historical version of Group 4 Securitas.

And the less said about the American 'World Series' type events the better.

No, this is all about the footie. And of course as Ireland will not be competing we will have to find other ways to enjoy it. Normally this involves supporting Anyone But England but this time, due to a certain cheating basketball impersonator, the French have filled the 'most-hated' position.

Now obviously we can't go as far as wanting England to win the thing. Luckily England won't go that far either, so in what way can we watch their inevitable failure and still have a bit of fun doing it?

Well, how about a sweepstake of sorts. Everyone gets to pick a likely candidate for "Scapegoat in chief", the unfortunate chump who will be blamed for another glorious failure by England's brave soldiers.

In the past we've had everyone from Maradona with his hand of Spaghetti Monster to Graham 'The Turnip' Taylor, who managed to fail before he even got there. There's been a plethora of penalty missers and of course Beckham went from saviour to devil and back to saviour again quicker than his wife running away from a buffet table.

Then last time Christiano Ronaldo easily filled the villain void by being both foreign and a United player. He even went so far as winking, giving pun-meisters the easiest rhyming headlines ever.

So who will it be this time? Well make your choice from the suspects below...

Rio Ferdinand - Being a United player and capable of making schoolboy errors that would have schoolboys up and down the country demanding to be called something else could make Rio a shoe-in. However the fact that his fitness is as good as Homer Simpson's means he's unlikely to play much. Odds: 25/1

John Terry - Hated by everyone but Chelsea fans and friends girlfriends, JT seems like a likely candidate. Although he'll probably just make a balls-up, deny it, threaten to sue and no one will ever be able to talk about it again. 40/1

St. Steven of Gerrard - Having played for Liverpool for his entire career, losing is something that comes naturally to our Stevie. Being Scouse of course means blaming it on someone else is also de rigeur. So expect Fabio to take the flack after a Starfish dive goes drastically wrong. 10/1

Wayne Rooney - Being touted as the WC winner for England so surely destined to be blamed when it all goes wrong. He won't score the 147 goals that are expected of him (probably because he'll be too busy picking Emile up off the floor) and being a United player means he can easily be hated. That and ugly rich people are always hated. 8/1

Fabio - Currently a genius. But he's not English so after the glorious failure he easily slips back into being 'Johnny Foreigner' and the Daily Mail can have a field day. 8/1

Random Foreigner whose cheating results in a dodgy penno or sending off thus depriving England of their rightful place as winners - A clear favourite. Evens. Just who will it be? Could that cheating French basteurad of a captain do it again? Here's hoping!

The Asshole Law

So what can we do to solve the problems of the world? Surely we can pass some laws, that seems to be the norm. Laws to stop racism. Laws to stop thieving bastards (unless they are bankers of course) (or Politicians) (or celebrities) (well let’s just leave it at only people who are poor). Laws to stop killing.


That’s a lot of laws, and we didn’t even get on to the whole economic mess.

But having to pass a load of extra laws is not the only problem. For you know once these laws are passed then you have to have more laws because the original laws usually don’t cover everything. Confused? I’ll try to explain.

If you pass racism laws then you have to pass ‘Well I’m Not Really Being Racist’ laws too. Example; scumbag family move in next door to you. They make noise, make an even bigger mess and threaten you and your children with physical violence. “Simple”, I hear you say, “call the police”. Well yes. And no.

If the scumbag family happen to be from a different ‘race’ then you might be being racist, depending on the law. And the ‘race’. Now don’t just assume that we are all members of the human race, because that’s just too sensible. Laws don’t do sensible.

So one law begets another law which means another law etc. etc. until the lawyers all get so rich they buy the planet and throw the rest of us off.

Well I have the solution. It’s so simple I can’t believe no one ever thought of it before. I’ll even give it away for free, no consultancy fees or anything.

We only need ONE law.

Yes, that’s right. One law for everything.

It's called ‘The Asshole Law’.

It really is an amazing piece of legislation this. I predict all world problems solved within 6 months of its adoption.

Let me explain it to you. Firstly the law simply requires that someone is found guilty of the crime of being an ‘asshole’. Once found guilty then punishment is meted out on the grounds of just how big an ‘asshole’ that person was being.

For example, bankers. Assholes. The lot of them. Stupid loans people were never going to be able to repay. Robbing from the poor to give to the rich. Actually fighting for bonuses when they completely failed at their jobs. Definitely, case closed, assholes of the highest degree. 10 years sentenced to building new 14 bedroom houses for the poor.

See how simple that was! Took all of five seconds. Go on, throw another one at me.

Let’s see, how about politicians.

Come on, this is too easy. Definite assholes, undeniable. Perhaps even bigger assholes than the bankers. Yep, guilty as charged. 15 years shovelling actual shit from the sewers in their constituencies. Case closed.

Now at this point someone, a lawyer most probably, will come along and say something like; “This is just stupid, how can you do this? Who is to say who is an asshole and who is not?”.

Invoke ‘The Asshole Law’ immediately and one Mr. Lawyer is found guilty of being an asshole straight away. Punishment? Feck off and stop arguing for the sake of it.

How have we survived without this for so long?

I formally start the campaign for the introduction of ‘The Asshole Law’ with immediate effect. Who’s with me? If you’re not, you’re probably just being an asshole.

I'll no doubt regret this in the morning...

I'm just in from a Frankie Boyle gig and I may not be the soberest. So this probably isn't a good idea. But fuck it, Prince Philip and Queen Liz probably thought it was a good idea to have kids and that didn't exactly work out well did it.

Ok, good start, piss off the English. Well isn't that the point of an Irishman's existence? Most of them think so, the fucking morons. I know there's a lot of fun made of the 'stupid Irishman' but like all good stereotypes there is a semblance of truth. The Irish really are fucking stupid. Seriously. I mean fucking retarded in a way that would make Jade Goody look like Einstein's more intelligent sister. But she can't, as she's dead. Thank fuck.


Hang on, I need a pee and a smoke.


Ok. I'm back.

Where was I? Oh, yes - stupidity.

It's about time that we realised that stupidity is the human race's only way forward. The realisation that you are as thick as a thick plank that has just graduated from the University of stupidity with a degree in retardation means that you are in fact a genius.

Think about it!

Look at people throughout history who thought they knew better. Morons, the fucking lot of them. I mean most of them think they have the answers to the great questions. Why are we here? Fuck knows! NO ONE has a fucking clue. And better than that no one has the capability of ever understanding why. Smart people know this. Idiots try to answer it by saying some old bloke with a beard made it all happen. Or some mountain climber. Or Tom Cruise.

I've lost my train of thought. Drink does that to you. But surprisingly my punctuation still seems to be perfectly ok. Or should that be O.K. Or okay.

Anyway for those who stopped reading when I said I wanted a smoke I will say this: well they've stopped reading so I can say what I like.

But! Yes smoking is bad for you. Yes it's killing me. But it's fucking enjoyable. As is everything that is bad for you. Shouldn't that be realisation enough that we are a fucking joke that can't even make things that are good for us enjoyable?

Muesli is good for you. Show me one person who says eating it is enjoyable and I'll show you a bigger liar than John Terry. The cheating cunt.

Just how special can one man get?

So Jose has done it again. Did anyone really doubt that he would?

I didn't even bother watching the final. But I did make sure to see the end. All I was interested in was Jose. And I dare say I wasn't the only one. Come on now, be honest!

I don't care about teams other than United. For the most part I can't stand them. The last thing I want to see is someone else winning something. But with Mourhino it's different. I like to see him win. It may not have been very modest of him to say so but damn there is something special about him.

He's won two Champions Leagues now. And he's won them with teams of journeymen and rejects. And I would suggest the only reason he didn't win one with Chelsea was because of a certain owner sticking his nose, and his Ukranian striker, in where it wasn't needed. That and Scouse cheating of course.

The man is a genius. It's as simple as that. Deny it all you like but the facts speak for themselves. So what's his secret? For me it's simple; he's one of the few left who realise that football is above all else a team game.

There's a lot of hatred for Jose of course, jealousy is a terrible thing. But it's like water of a ducks back to The Special One. Probably makes him feel better. Why wouldn't it.

So what more can be said about him? Are there any superalitives left? How do you praise him any more?

I can only think of one way.

Sir Alex Ferguson doesn't take kindly to many people. There isn't another top class manager around today that I know of who he hasn't had a falling out with at some stage. Jose? Well Fergie hasn't a bad word to say about him.

Education! Education! Education!

So number 2 is upon us. Probably something to do with that dodgy curry last night.

But seriously, I thought I'd try to talk about something more important this time, as the title suggests; education.

I'd like you all to read the following paragraph very carefully, don't worry, all will become clear later on.

"With regard to critical political economy, contrast the arguments toward an end of history with those of a cyclical engagement between capital, nation and state. Using the present economic crisis, and its media coverage, as a point of departure, articulate a position and assert how news journalism is complicit in your stance."

Done? I hope you didn't just glance over it. Re-read it if you didn't quite get the gist.

So where did he get that from I hear you ask. Well I hope I hear you asking it and it's not just the voices again, but once more I digress. I do a lot of digression. Try to keep up.

Believe it or not that paragraph was a question from a recent exam. Yes that's right folks someone was paid to write that question and people are expected to answer it in order to get a piece of paper that suggests to others that they are smart.

Perhaps you think that "Yes well if you understand that you are definitely smart, I could never digest something so complex, there's no way I'm that intelligent."

Let me put it to you this way; if you completely understand that question you are a fucking idiot! Sorry to be so blunt but you are. No sane and sensible person ever speaks that way.

If on the other hand you asked the very same thing by saying; "Is everything fucked? Is it just a case of the rich getting richer and do the papers and TV people not give a fuck because all they are interested in is themselves?" then I would suggest you are a genius.

Both are ways of asking the same thing. The first is the way academics speak. It's like another language. A language specially designed to let everyone know they are smarter than you. And if you dare speak in the second language, the normal, everyday language that everyone else uses then you are, in their view, a moron. You can't possibly be smart if you speak in a way that everyone understands.

This is the life of a 3rd level educator. Remember a time when doctors were only worried about the wellbeing of patients, you know before they were more concerned about which sports coupe they would buy. Well there was probably a time when teachers were only worried about getting students to learn. Those times are long gone my friends, now all they worry about is how smart they look. And in academia how smart you look is directly related to the amount of bullshit you can talk. And how you can forcibly you can tell anyone who questions your bullshit that they are a retarded fuckwit.

Just for the record I didn't answer that question. I answered one asking "What do you understand by post-modernity?" by saying that I understood it to be a bullshit expression made up by people who think they are smart but are really so fucking stupid that they have to label others just to make it through the day.

I'm sure I did well.

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away...

A'wight fuckwits. So... erm... what to write. I suppose I shouldn't have started by calling you all fuckwits. But that's hardly my fault is it?

Anyway once George Lucas sues me for using that title I won't be able to continue. But until that day I will simply do, not try.

Now that we have rid ourselves of those who don't like Star Wars (the heathen bastards) we will continue. By the way if you're still here because you like the Star Wars prequels you can fuck right off.

There's a lot of cursing so far isn't there. Hmmm, fuck it.

I signed up for this bloggin lark 2 years ago and as per usual I did nothing. If there was an award for procrastinating... I probably couldn't be arsed to turn up to accept it.

Who would have thought then that it would take Robbo's P45 from the Beeb to get me finally writing something. Well me, that's who. Remember I'm good with the predictions. Liverpool out of the top 4. Remember that? I may have mentioned it before.

So this week I have to spend the night in hospital getting some sort of breathing machine fitted so as I keep breathing during the night rather than stop the 20 or 30 times I do now. Yes, yes it's a pity I start again blah blah blah.

And then I have this years final exam. The worst of them all. 6 questions which will be of such magnificent bullshit that I will no doubt need an extra few answer books. As my head will have exploded over the first one.

I'll keep you updated, if anyone bothers signing up for this of course. Go on, I'll give you a few quid if you do. Well technically the wife will give you a few quid, I don't have any money as I'm a student.

Go on, you know you want to. Everyone's welcome.

Except JDR.

Obviously.