The Asshole Law

So what can we do to solve the problems of the world? Surely we can pass some laws, that seems to be the norm. Laws to stop racism. Laws to stop thieving bastards (unless they are bankers of course) (or Politicians) (or celebrities) (well let’s just leave it at only people who are poor). Laws to stop killing.


That’s a lot of laws, and we didn’t even get on to the whole economic mess.

But having to pass a load of extra laws is not the only problem. For you know once these laws are passed then you have to have more laws because the original laws usually don’t cover everything. Confused? I’ll try to explain.

If you pass racism laws then you have to pass ‘Well I’m Not Really Being Racist’ laws too. Example; scumbag family move in next door to you. They make noise, make an even bigger mess and threaten you and your children with physical violence. “Simple”, I hear you say, “call the police”. Well yes. And no.

If the scumbag family happen to be from a different ‘race’ then you might be being racist, depending on the law. And the ‘race’. Now don’t just assume that we are all members of the human race, because that’s just too sensible. Laws don’t do sensible.

So one law begets another law which means another law etc. etc. until the lawyers all get so rich they buy the planet and throw the rest of us off.

Well I have the solution. It’s so simple I can’t believe no one ever thought of it before. I’ll even give it away for free, no consultancy fees or anything.

We only need ONE law.

Yes, that’s right. One law for everything.

It's called ‘The Asshole Law’.

It really is an amazing piece of legislation this. I predict all world problems solved within 6 months of its adoption.

Let me explain it to you. Firstly the law simply requires that someone is found guilty of the crime of being an ‘asshole’. Once found guilty then punishment is meted out on the grounds of just how big an ‘asshole’ that person was being.

For example, bankers. Assholes. The lot of them. Stupid loans people were never going to be able to repay. Robbing from the poor to give to the rich. Actually fighting for bonuses when they completely failed at their jobs. Definitely, case closed, assholes of the highest degree. 10 years sentenced to building new 14 bedroom houses for the poor.

See how simple that was! Took all of five seconds. Go on, throw another one at me.

Let’s see, how about politicians.

Come on, this is too easy. Definite assholes, undeniable. Perhaps even bigger assholes than the bankers. Yep, guilty as charged. 15 years shovelling actual shit from the sewers in their constituencies. Case closed.

Now at this point someone, a lawyer most probably, will come along and say something like; “This is just stupid, how can you do this? Who is to say who is an asshole and who is not?”.

Invoke ‘The Asshole Law’ immediately and one Mr. Lawyer is found guilty of being an asshole straight away. Punishment? Feck off and stop arguing for the sake of it.

How have we survived without this for so long?

I formally start the campaign for the introduction of ‘The Asshole Law’ with immediate effect. Who’s with me? If you’re not, you’re probably just being an asshole.