Eurovisionary...

There are many things that can go wrong when visiting in-laws. Alcohol can make you say things, or grab things, that you shouldn't. But these are easily forgotten about when everyone buries their heads in the sand the next morning.

There is one problem, however, that can leave a sour taste in the mouth for weeks afterwards. (No, not that!).

What if you are in someone else's house and they decide to put something rubbish on the telly and make you watch it? And worse still, what if this happens on Eurovision Song Contest night.

Surely no jury of sane and sensible peers would convict you of the bloodbath that would result.

Well this was what happened to me over the weekend. After spending several hours in the pub we retired to the house where sister-in-law decided that the Eurovision must be watched.

Maybe it was the fact that I could hardly move due to a slipped disc but I decided not to go on an immediate murderous rampage and see what the hell made 150 million people watch it.

And maybe it was the booze opening my mind but I discovered something truly wonderful:

THE EUROVISION IS A WORK OF GENIUS!

Wait, wait, don't go calling the men in the white coats for me just yet. Let me make it a bit clearer:

THE EUROVISION IS THE WORK OF AN EVIL COMEDY GENIUS!

Here's the thing; the sensible among us watch it and normally throw things at the tv, cursing at whoever is in earshot at how such rubbish can be allowed.

But we are watching it from entirely the wrong perspective. We are watching it thinking that this is a song contest, or even just a light entertainment television show.

It isn't!

Somewhere an evil genius is sitting watching his masterpiece and laughing his bo**ocks off. This is beyond genius. From the first second to the last it is a non-stop tirade of mirth-making. It NEVER stops, there is joke after joke after joke.

Think Brass Eye on crack.

Honestly I don't know where to start. There are too many hilarious moments to list and every time I think of them it stars me rolling around the floor.

There's the ridiculous costumes, but that's too easy. There's the horrendous music, but that's easy too. It's the subtle things that are genius.

Mr. Euroevil (as he will now be known) actually gets 30 odd morons by satellite link to basically count from 1 to 12 (he even leaves out 9 and 11 in case it's too difficult) and do you know what; EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM makes a balls of it.

It's unbelievable. The sheer genius of a man who can make representatives from over 30 countries look like retarded staple guns must not be taken lightly. Some of them can't read, some can't speak (even in their own language). We had one wannabe even sing the scores and to top it all off Mr. Euroevil even brought in a ringer to give the Greek results in the style of one of the financial administrators who is running their country at the minute.

He got over 100,000 people all around Europe to stand in town centres doing some ridiculous dance and he had a camera in "a typical home" of each country. Clearly this was a huge studio with actors playing on all the stereotypes!

Then there's the accusations of rigged voting. "Ach those Eastern Euro's always vote for eachother" is thrown about by almost everyone. What does Mr. Euroevil do? He makes them do it, and no one notices that Bosnia gives Serbia 12 points. THESE PEOPLE F*CKING HATE EACHOTHER but yet Mr. Euroevil has everyone believing they are tactically voting for the other to win.

And to top it all off the eventual winner of a SONG CONTEST is a Lily Allen clone. What else could the man do but make the winner someone who can't sing.

Somewhere, probably in a castle in the Alps, a genius is today celebrating in his comedy masterpiece while those of us who, thanks to booze and pain, were able to get in on the joke will wait impatiently for next years instalment.

Mr. Euroevil - I salute you!!